


Pictures of You

by blossominthesnow



Category: Holby City
Genre: Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-07-28 16:01:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16245050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blossominthesnow/pseuds/blossominthesnow
Summary: Written around the song Pictures of You by The Cure. After Roxanna's death Henrik looks through his photo album and thinks about his regrets. Sorry this isn't happier.





	Pictures of You

Henrik sat back in his chair, a whisky in one hand and the other poised waiting to open a photo album. He took a sip of his drink to prepare himself for the flood of memories that were about to come flooding back. He had waited until John had left to get the album out. He didn’t want to cause any more suffering to his friend. After all, it had not just been him that has lost Roxanna and John seemed more detached than normal. He had guided Henrik home in the aftermath, made sure he ate and gently put him to bed. Henrik had woken up several hours later to an empty house. It felt even emptier when he had remembered what happened. He opened the album and glanced down at her smiling face on the page. 

I've been looking so long at these pictures of you  
That I almost believe that they're real  
I've been living so long with my pictures of you  
That I almost believe that the pictures  
Are all I can feel

For a few moment when he had woken, he had forgotten the pain of his loss. He had drifted towards a day that might be filled with opportunities to see her, to make her smile, to finally tell her how he felt. Then the darkness descended and he remembered that she was gone. He had dreamt of her, the young her at university. Their night breaking into the university library and the way she had held on to his arm. Of the time they had both forgotten their umbrellas during a storm. John, as always had been prepared and wasn’t willing to hang around in the rain whilst Roxanna danced. Henrik had stood by the tree watching her, unaware or just not caring that he was soaking wet. She was so full of life, so full of courage and enthusiasm for everything. He wished now that he had joined her in the dance but he felt too clumsy and reserved to even dare. She had eventually stopped and joined him under a tree and they stood in silence watching the lightning forking across the sky. The moments had felt like hours but they had been snatched away by the sudden appearance of a group of drunken students walking by. 

Remembering you standing quiet in the rain  
As I ran to your heart to be near  
And we kissed as the sky fell in  
Holding you close  
How I always held close in your fear  
Remembering you running soft through the night  
You were bigger and brighter and wider than snow  
And screamed at the make-believe  
Screamed at the sky  
And you finally found all your courage  
To let it all go

He should have done more for her after the death of David. He had been so caught up in his own grief that he had failed to even think about hers. She had been the opposite of course. Rushing forward to care for him, to make sure he knew there were people there for him and looking after Oliver. Of course as soon as he had heard about David’s condition he had rushed to see the two of them. David was the opposite of himself. So open and free, he wasn’t afraid to show Roxanna he loved her and he was happy to let the world know as well. He was an open book and such a genuinely good man. He’d remembered the tears Roxanna had shed when it had just been the two of them. The absolute heartbreak she felt at the loss of the man she loved. And then she had thrown herself into her work. It reminded him of the drive she had felt when she had told him about her mother. Rather than letting her grief encapsulate her she had used it to try and help others. But behind her eyes he could still see the hurt and the loss she was feeling. What could he do now? Should he throw himself into his work, take care of John? What would she do?

Remembering you fallen into my arms  
Crying for the death of your heart  
You were stone white  
So delicate  
Lost in the cold  
You were always so lost in the dark  
Remembering you how you used to be  
Slow drowned  
You were angels  
So much more than everything  
Hold for the last time then slip away quietly  
Open my eyes  
But I never see anything

He kept playing over her final moments. If only he had gone straight to her when he had heard Meena say she had been communicating. If he could have spoken to her, worked out what she was trying to say, if he could have saved her. If, if, if. He had never been brave enough to deserved her and he hadn’t been strong enough to save her when she needed him. In the end that had been why he had lost her to David. Henrik could never return the love that she had been so eager to give him when they were students. There where so many moments between them when he wished he could have spoken his true feelings but he could never find the courage or the right words. That night at the lake it had all become too much for him but John had been there and he had saved him, like he had clearly tried to save Roxanna. His thoughts had come spilling out to John in a way he wished he could speak to Roxanna. Not that it mattered now, no right words could bring her back. 

If only I'd thought of the right words  
I could have held on to your heart  
If only I'd thought of the right words  
I wouldn't be breaking apart  
All my pictures of you

Even in the pictures she seemed just out of reach to him. He looked at one of her just before they left university. It had been an impromptu photo that David had taken of the three of them. John was slightly off to the side, head in a book, he himself had been scribbling something down in a notebook and Roxanna had been looking at him. A small smile across her face, her hair, at this point slightly longer, fell delicately around her face. When he looked at the photo he could almost smell the fresh grass and hear her laughing. Those days had been the happiest of his life. Well until Roxanna had come back into his life. Even after everything with Frederick just knowing she was there made him feel calmer. 

Looking so long at these pictures of you  
But I never hold on to your heart  
Looking so long for the words to be true  
But always just breaking apart  
My pictures of you

 

He turned to the last page of the album, to his favourite picture of her. The one that had inspired him to buy her the pin. Her hair was a light pink and she had her Doc Martens on, her bag was resting on her shoulder and she was looking towards the camera with a smile on her face. He reached out and touched the photo and felt himself begin to cry. He had been holding it all in for so long and now it came flooding out. He would never see that smile again or be able to tell her what he never could all those years ago. All he had left were the pictures and the memories of her. 

There was nothing in the world  
That I ever wanted more  
Than to feel you deep in my heart  
There was nothing in the world  
That I ever wanted more  
Than to never feel the breaking apart  
All my pictures of you


End file.
